Wednesday, May 20, 2009

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read
this. This by far is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Hope to put a smile on your face: Rita

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on..

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah.. Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself..... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay conscious..must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe .OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slyly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.. The hair that should be on the strip.. It's not!! I
touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down..

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right????

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture 20 prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through the various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than having
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT
WORKS!!!! It works!!!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color!



> Poem to MOM:
> My son came home from school one day,
> With a smirk upon his face.
> He decided he was smart enough,
> To put me in my place.
> 'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
> that's taught by Mr. Wright?
> It's all about the laws today,
> The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
> It says I need not clean my room,
> Don't have to cut my hair
> No one can tell me what to think,
> Or speak, or what to wear...
> I have freedom from religion,
> And regardless what you say,
> I don't have to bow my head,
> And I sure don't have to pray.
> I can wear earrings if I want,
> And pierce my tongue & nose.
> I can read & watch just what I like,
> Get tattoos from head to toe.
> And if you ever spank me,
> I'll charge you with a crime.
> I'll back up all my charges,
> With the marks on my behind.
> Don't you ever touch me,
> My body's only for my use,
> Not for your hugs and kisses,
> that's just more child abuse.
> Don't preach about your morals,
> Like your Mama did to you.
> That's nothing more than mind control,
> And it's illegal too!
> Mom, I have these children's rights,
> So you can't influence me,
> Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
> Better known as C.S.D.'
> Mom's Reply and Thoughts:
> Of course my first instinct was
> To toss him out the door.
> But the chance to teach him a lesson
> Made me think a little more.
> I mulled it over carefully,
> I couldn't let this go.
> A smile crept upon my face,
> he's messing with a pro.
> Next day I took him shopping
> At the local Goodwill Store.
> I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
> there's shirts & pants galore.
> I've called and checked with C.S.D ....
> Who said they didn't care
> If I bought you K-Mart shoes
> Instead of those Nike Airs.
> I've canceled that appointment
> To take your driver's test.
> The C..S.D. Is unconcerned
> So I'll decide what's best. '
> I said 'No time to stop and eat,
> Or pick up stuff to munch.
> And tomorrow you can start to learn
> To make your own sack lunch.
> Just save the raging appetite,
> And wait till dinner time.
> We're having liver and onions,
> A favorite dish of mine.'
> He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
> To watch on my VCR?'
> 'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
> For new tires on my car.
> I also rented out your room,
> You'll take the couch instead.
> The C .S.D. Requires
> Just a roof over your head.
> Your clothing won't be trendy now,
> I'll choose what we eat.
> That allowance that you used to get,
> Will buy me something neat.
> I'm selling off your jet ski,
> Dirt-bike & roller blades.
> Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
> It's in effect today!
> Hey hot shot, are you crying,
> Why are you on your knees?
> Are you asking God to help you out,
> Instead of C.S.D...?'

Friday, May 1, 2009